“Robert, are you an alcoholic?” Dick asks. His eyes are clear and icy blue. He looks directly at me and I feel powerful pure energy shooting right to the darkest places in my heart. The honesty of his question catches me off guard. I am accustomed to people beating around the bush about such things. I sit and wonder what is his ulterior motive. I don’t like Dick.
The second counselor, Charlie, picks up the thread of the query, “Do you consider yourself an alcoholic, Robert?”
There is something disconcerting about being in my full dress Navy uniform with all the “I love me” ribbons and medals festooned on my chest, and being addressed by my first name.
I am shaking.
“Err, um, I don’t know,” I stammer, “I’ve never really thought about it, I guess.”
Which is pure bullshit because I think about it every waking moment, except it usually sounds like: “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“This is a simple question, friend,” says Dick, in a calm voice that sounds like it could have originated in my soul, “are you, Robert, an alcoholic?”
I turn and look at my Master Chief. She stands silently blocking the door, and nods her head once in my direction. I am trying to interpret what it is she wants me to say. I know this moment is important, yet I am paralyzed by fear.
I squirm and look for help in the faces that confront me, saying ” If I knew how to answer that question, I’d probably not have to be here.”
The Captain leans back in his chair, disengaging. He is running out of patience.
“Sir,I am probably considered an alcoholic, I guess, by some people,” I addressed the Captain.
“I didn’t ask you,Petty Officer McClellan,” the Skipper said, leaning forward and pointing across the room, “I believe these gentlemen did.”
Worrying , heart pounding in my chest, I knew I was out of options. I reeled him back in, but now he’s tossed it back to the cold, calculating counselor, who already knows the answer to his own question.
“Okay, I am an alcoholic!” I blurt out.
“I am an alcoholic and probably a drug addict and a shit load of other things too,” I loudly confessed.
Suddenly, the tension disappeared from the room. It was as if someone had opened a window and all the bullshit and lies of a lifetime were sucked outside.
